Does marriage counseling work?
The answer is complex. It often works very well, and I have seen some heartwarming results. However, to get the best outcome, it is important to do two things:
What kind of training should my therapist have?
If you are looking for marriage/relationship/couples therapy, then at a minimum, the therapist should have training in relationship therapy over and above their general therapy education. Otherwise, they may have good intentions but may not have all of the tools to address your specific issues. Most therapists probably took a course in relationship therapy in school. However, the more outside training they have had specifically in relationship therapy, the more equipped they will be to help you. I have completed all of the levels of Gottman Therapy and am in training for Emotionally Focused Therapy, which are both about marriage and intimate relationships, and are two of the top, best-researched, most effective methods out there for couples.
How do I find a therapist who is a good fit for me?
This one is hard to determine without meeting face-to-face, which can get expensive if you're trying to shop for therapists. That's one reason I'm putting blogs and articles on this website. [Still under construction -- do check back!] Read them and see if I seem to "get" your situation, if you see empathy in my words. Maybe you can get to know me a little before you commit your time, trust, and money. If you come to me for therapy and it just isn't a fit, I can make a referral to someone else.
What can I do to make marriage counseling work for me?
The biggest part of success is your commitment and motivation: It's simply true that you get out of it what you put into it; there's no way around that. During therapy, you may begin to look at some things a little differently, or you may begin to talk things out more than you have before. The more willing you are to open up to these new experiences, the more deep, lasting, real change you will see. I promise to recognize how important a loving relationship is to you, to honor the hope you are entrusting with me, and to do everything in my power to be there with you as you do this challenging work.
What if my partner isn't motivated or committed to therapy or even to the relationship?
One partner working alone can certainly help in many cases, and you may be able to motivate your partner to improve your relationship. Most couples who attend marriage counseling consist of one more motivated partner and another partner who is less so, or one may even be "dragged" to therapy by the other. Many of these reluctant partners do get on board as therapy progresses and end up having great results. Unfortunately, though, none of us can control the other person. If it turns out that you are in a relationship with a true "immovable object," I'll be there to help you figure out what to do next.
The answer is complex. It often works very well, and I have seen some heartwarming results. However, to get the best outcome, it is important to do two things:
- Pick your therapist carefully. They are not all equal. Some have more training in and understanding of your particular problem than others. Some have personalities and approaches that fit better with you than others. Some have a lot of wisdom about your issue but don't know how to translate that into your situation; others have great therapeutic skills but just don't have the expertise or life experience to "get" what you need.
- Put your whole heart and soul into the process of therapy. You have to be fully in it to get something out of it. For example, one partner is upset because the other doesn't do the dishes. But is it really about the dishes? Maybe it's really about traumatic memories, feeling disrespected, unpleasant tone of voice, or a deep sense of unfairness. Maybe it started out about the dishes, but it has gone on so long that now it's much bigger than that. In that case, simply making a chores chart won't solve the problem. To get to the root of it all, you need to be willing to unravel it together.
What kind of training should my therapist have?
If you are looking for marriage/relationship/couples therapy, then at a minimum, the therapist should have training in relationship therapy over and above their general therapy education. Otherwise, they may have good intentions but may not have all of the tools to address your specific issues. Most therapists probably took a course in relationship therapy in school. However, the more outside training they have had specifically in relationship therapy, the more equipped they will be to help you. I have completed all of the levels of Gottman Therapy and am in training for Emotionally Focused Therapy, which are both about marriage and intimate relationships, and are two of the top, best-researched, most effective methods out there for couples.
How do I find a therapist who is a good fit for me?
This one is hard to determine without meeting face-to-face, which can get expensive if you're trying to shop for therapists. That's one reason I'm putting blogs and articles on this website. [Still under construction -- do check back!] Read them and see if I seem to "get" your situation, if you see empathy in my words. Maybe you can get to know me a little before you commit your time, trust, and money. If you come to me for therapy and it just isn't a fit, I can make a referral to someone else.
What can I do to make marriage counseling work for me?
The biggest part of success is your commitment and motivation: It's simply true that you get out of it what you put into it; there's no way around that. During therapy, you may begin to look at some things a little differently, or you may begin to talk things out more than you have before. The more willing you are to open up to these new experiences, the more deep, lasting, real change you will see. I promise to recognize how important a loving relationship is to you, to honor the hope you are entrusting with me, and to do everything in my power to be there with you as you do this challenging work.
What if my partner isn't motivated or committed to therapy or even to the relationship?
One partner working alone can certainly help in many cases, and you may be able to motivate your partner to improve your relationship. Most couples who attend marriage counseling consist of one more motivated partner and another partner who is less so, or one may even be "dragged" to therapy by the other. Many of these reluctant partners do get on board as therapy progresses and end up having great results. Unfortunately, though, none of us can control the other person. If it turns out that you are in a relationship with a true "immovable object," I'll be there to help you figure out what to do next.
