MARRIAGE THAT WORKS Blog
Take down the wall between you and be there for each other.
Radio Interview and Shows
(Click below):
Politics Can Tear Your Marriage Apart -- What to Do When You're on the Brink of Divorce
Relationships feel cozier when you and your partner agree about important things. Unfortunately, the recent political climate has brought out differences, even dividing once-close families and friends.
No matter how tolerant you are, you don't feel close to someone who disrespects your opinions...
Relationships feel cozier when you and your partner agree about important things. Unfortunately, the recent political climate has brought out differences, even dividing once-close families and friends.
No matter how tolerant you are, you don't feel close to someone who disrespects your opinions...
Here's one for the single people looking for a life partner.
The Pros and Cons of Adding Your Political Affiliation to Your Dating Profile
In the age of online dating, there's a question you need to ask yourself concerning your political affiliation: Should you add it to your dating profile?
While searching on a dating site a while back, I found a fascinating profile. His smile was nice, his photograph flattering....
The Pros and Cons of Adding Your Political Affiliation to Your Dating Profile
In the age of online dating, there's a question you need to ask yourself concerning your political affiliation: Should you add it to your dating profile?
While searching on a dating site a while back, I found a fascinating profile. His smile was nice, his photograph flattering....
|
|
I've Got the Over-Togetherness, Stay-at-Home Blues part 2
Pick your battles, section one:
The more time you spend together, the more you get on each other’s nerves, even if you usually get along. When you add in the stress we’ve all been under, you come up with opportunities for tempers to show up. But constant arguing and snapping at each other is not fun and is damaging to relationships. That’s why we need to decide which of our partner’s behaviors are important enough to speak up about and which behaviors are not worth causing an argument over. Then we need to figure out the best way to deal with both.
I suggest that a simple way to help decide which behaviors to pick and which to ignore is to ask yourself this question: “Does this specific behavior directly affect me, or does it actually have nothing to do with me?” If it directly affects you, then that particular behavior might be your business, and you might want to confront him or her about it. If a behavior really doesn’t affect you, that behavior
might not be your business, and you might be better off ignoring it. Some behaviors fall into the gray area in between. We will look at ways to untangle which behaviors to confront and which to ignore.
Behavior That Directly Affects You
For example, let’s say your partner leaves the house for hours without consulting you, unexpectedly leaving you alone with your young children all day. Unfortunately, it happens to be a day when you have a lot of work responsibility that you can’t do while watching the kids. You’re furious, and it feels like your partner doesn’t care about you. So let’s ask the question. Does his leaving for so long without a word directly affect me, or does it have nothing to do with me? In this case, it affects you; you couldn’t perform your job duties, not to mention how it felt to be left alone without a word. Since it directly affects you, you ;do have the right to start a discussion about how to juggle child care. In fact, you need to work that out between you so you can do your job and not build up resentment toward your partner.
At this point, you’re probably ready to lay down the law and give them a piece of your mind. But let’s slow down for a moment: what we often miss is that there’s another step in between deciding we can or should say something, and actually saying it. That step is taking time out to think out exactly what to say and how to say it. I’ll bet that skipping this step has caused a lot of problems in your relationships; I know it has in mine. So let’s take a few minutes and plan out a positive way to approach your partner.
A detailed look at how to do this is material for a future post. Suffice it to say here that you’ll probably get a better result if you say it in a kind way that is respectful of their feelings than if you blurt out all the anger you’re feeling.
For example, how would you feel if it were reversed, and your partner said to you in an angry voice: “I can’t trust you for anything! You’re so selfish, leaving me here without a word all day long! You never think about MY feelings!”
Would you be likely to think, Ohhh, they’re absolutely right – I was selfish. Poor [partner’s name], they’ve been waiting all day for me, and they couldn’t get any work done. They must be so unhappy! I was very wrong, and I must tell them so and offer a humble apology.
Or, after hearing their angry accusations, would your thoughts be more like, What?!! After all I’ve been doing for them all day? I took their car to the shop and waited on it for hours so they wouldn’t have to do it. I picked up that can of paint they’ve been asking for at the home store. I even stopped by the grocery while I was out and got the ingredients for dinner without even being asked. I‘ve been doing nothing but good things all day. And all they do is attack me when I get home. They’re trying to tell me what I’m thinking and why I’m doing what I’m doing – how dare they? I’m going to tell them what a good person I am and how wrong they are.
When we get angry, we tend to think the worst of the other person. The truth, though, is that most of the time, they aren’t nearly as bad as we think they are. A more realistic way to approach your partner might be to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they aren’t purposely being evil or trying to mess you up. Most likely, they have good intentions but don’t completely understand what you really want from them. Try a gentle approach instead, something like, “Being without the car all day was hard on me. I know you probably had something important that you were doing, but my work is important, too, and I couldn’t get it done with the kids here and you not here. Can we work out a way to plan our schedules ahead of time so we can both get things done?” That way, your partner doesn’t feel like you’re attacking or blaming them, and may even feel bad about inconveniencing you.
Now, being realistic, I have to add that this is not a magic formula to get the response you want. Things can still go wrong. For example, if the of you have been having a disagreement for a long time, you’re likely not going to solve it all at once. Your partner may respond in a calmer way, but they might not say exactly what you want to hear. The two of you may start out in a calm conversation, but it could still turn into an argument for one reason or another. And yes, there are some partners out there who really don’t care and don’t want to be told what to do.
In most cases, however, saying it in a nicer way will start the conversation off on a positive note. Taking the time to take the other person’s feelings into account and avoid placing all the blame on them will give that conversation a better chance of ending up peacefully.
The more time you spend together, the more you get on each other’s nerves, even if you usually get along. When you add in the stress we’ve all been under, you come up with opportunities for tempers to show up. But constant arguing and snapping at each other is not fun and is damaging to relationships. That’s why we need to decide which of our partner’s behaviors are important enough to speak up about and which behaviors are not worth causing an argument over. Then we need to figure out the best way to deal with both.
I suggest that a simple way to help decide which behaviors to pick and which to ignore is to ask yourself this question: “Does this specific behavior directly affect me, or does it actually have nothing to do with me?” If it directly affects you, then that particular behavior might be your business, and you might want to confront him or her about it. If a behavior really doesn’t affect you, that behavior
might not be your business, and you might be better off ignoring it. Some behaviors fall into the gray area in between. We will look at ways to untangle which behaviors to confront and which to ignore.
Behavior That Directly Affects You
For example, let’s say your partner leaves the house for hours without consulting you, unexpectedly leaving you alone with your young children all day. Unfortunately, it happens to be a day when you have a lot of work responsibility that you can’t do while watching the kids. You’re furious, and it feels like your partner doesn’t care about you. So let’s ask the question. Does his leaving for so long without a word directly affect me, or does it have nothing to do with me? In this case, it affects you; you couldn’t perform your job duties, not to mention how it felt to be left alone without a word. Since it directly affects you, you ;do have the right to start a discussion about how to juggle child care. In fact, you need to work that out between you so you can do your job and not build up resentment toward your partner.
At this point, you’re probably ready to lay down the law and give them a piece of your mind. But let’s slow down for a moment: what we often miss is that there’s another step in between deciding we can or should say something, and actually saying it. That step is taking time out to think out exactly what to say and how to say it. I’ll bet that skipping this step has caused a lot of problems in your relationships; I know it has in mine. So let’s take a few minutes and plan out a positive way to approach your partner.
A detailed look at how to do this is material for a future post. Suffice it to say here that you’ll probably get a better result if you say it in a kind way that is respectful of their feelings than if you blurt out all the anger you’re feeling.
For example, how would you feel if it were reversed, and your partner said to you in an angry voice: “I can’t trust you for anything! You’re so selfish, leaving me here without a word all day long! You never think about MY feelings!”
Would you be likely to think, Ohhh, they’re absolutely right – I was selfish. Poor [partner’s name], they’ve been waiting all day for me, and they couldn’t get any work done. They must be so unhappy! I was very wrong, and I must tell them so and offer a humble apology.
Or, after hearing their angry accusations, would your thoughts be more like, What?!! After all I’ve been doing for them all day? I took their car to the shop and waited on it for hours so they wouldn’t have to do it. I picked up that can of paint they’ve been asking for at the home store. I even stopped by the grocery while I was out and got the ingredients for dinner without even being asked. I‘ve been doing nothing but good things all day. And all they do is attack me when I get home. They’re trying to tell me what I’m thinking and why I’m doing what I’m doing – how dare they? I’m going to tell them what a good person I am and how wrong they are.
When we get angry, we tend to think the worst of the other person. The truth, though, is that most of the time, they aren’t nearly as bad as we think they are. A more realistic way to approach your partner might be to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they aren’t purposely being evil or trying to mess you up. Most likely, they have good intentions but don’t completely understand what you really want from them. Try a gentle approach instead, something like, “Being without the car all day was hard on me. I know you probably had something important that you were doing, but my work is important, too, and I couldn’t get it done with the kids here and you not here. Can we work out a way to plan our schedules ahead of time so we can both get things done?” That way, your partner doesn’t feel like you’re attacking or blaming them, and may even feel bad about inconveniencing you.
Now, being realistic, I have to add that this is not a magic formula to get the response you want. Things can still go wrong. For example, if the of you have been having a disagreement for a long time, you’re likely not going to solve it all at once. Your partner may respond in a calmer way, but they might not say exactly what you want to hear. The two of you may start out in a calm conversation, but it could still turn into an argument for one reason or another. And yes, there are some partners out there who really don’t care and don’t want to be told what to do.
In most cases, however, saying it in a nicer way will start the conversation off on a positive note. Taking the time to take the other person’s feelings into account and avoid placing all the blame on them will give that conversation a better chance of ending up peacefully.
RSS Feed
